shariew

Sometimes I feel tired and invisible. When I feel this way I am not sure how to explain what I feel. Is what I feel real? Am I expecting to much from others? Am I Imagining things? All these insecurities come rushing in, and take me down a rabbit hole that is so hard to climb my way out of.

When you are a care taker/care giver, it is what you do. It becomes what is expected 24/7 365 days a year. The only time what you do in truly noticed is when you don’t do something. This is a blessing and a curse. You know what to do, how to do it, do it all the time, and most of the time it is muscle memory. You don’t think, you just do.

Here is when it hurts. When you do so much for others, but feel like a burden or worse unappreciated and invisible when you are in need. You don’t know how to ask for help. You help others. You are not supposed to need it. It is the hardest thing to swallow the hurt because you know why you didn’t get a birthday, Christmas, Mother’s Day gift (on the actual day, because you eventually get it). You have no one to blame but yourself. When you say “It’s okay, I understand” enough times you don’t become the priority. 

Here is what I have started to do because I can’t handle the hurt anymore. I don’t say it’s okay. I may say I understand (and I do), but please don’t think it means you haven’t hurt me. I am slowly pulling back from anyone and everyone who can’t remember me. I am not shutting them out, but I am not tiring myself out over them any more. No more going out of my way.

I may always be invisible to some, I can handle that. What I won’t be is tired because I put myself out there to be hurt anymore by those who don’t appreciate what I do. I won’t gaslight myself or send myself down a rabbit hole about if they love me or what I could have done wrong. I am exercising self care and self love. 

Now, I will still do for others. It is my nature to be a care taker and a care giver. I have given myself boundaries. I can’t change others. I can only change myself and my reaction to what others do or don’t do. I will not overextend myself anymore. I will not make myself sick to be invisible to others.