shariew

This is a letter to my father to mark the 9th anniversary of his death. I have so many thoughts running through my head. So many emotions and memories. Laughter, tears, joy, anger, pride & shame all balled up waiting for me to find a release. This letter is an attempt to share a small part of these emotions a memories as I survive one more day around the sun.

My Earliest Hero

He always had my back when I needed it, but nailed me when I was wrong. He stood up for me at school when I was bullied, but held me accountable for my grades, my actions, and my attitude. Our school had a Senior skip day. I asked permission (yes, I was that kind of kid.) He told me I had to go to my first three classes and then I could sign myself out. They tried to suspend me along with the entire senior class. I called him from the office. He told them to check the attendance record. I was there and then left with permission. They couldn’t suspend me. On the other hand, I had a behavioral issue with a extracuricular activity. I had to travel with him instead of the team for a year. Actions have consequenses is something I learned young and it was always enforced. 

I could talk to him. Argue with him. One thing I have learned as I have gotten older is he prepared me for a workplace that didn’t want women in positions of leadership. He would be sarcastic almost cruel and expect a quick witted respectful reply back. At 13 I did not understand how valuable a skill that would serve me as an adult. My mom once asked him why he was doing it, and he told her it was better I learned these skills now where it was safe, than to be blindesided by them when I was an adult. I learned how to stand up for myself, my beliefs, my accomplishments, own up to my mistakes, and communicate well before I held my first professional position. Thank you Dad.

Dear Daddy,

You aren’t a phone call away anymore. You aren’t just up the driveway from me. Heck you aren’t 3,000 miles across an ocean from me anymore.  I miss you. There is so much to share with you about these last 9 years.

Me

I did it Daddy. I went back to school and got my Master’s Degree, and now every day I get to help people with disabilities get the help they need to go back to work, keep their jobs, train for new careers and get the resources they need to lead independent lives. I am now back in school to finally get my licensure to be a mental health counselor. I think you would be proud of the woman I have become. Still have some work to do, but I figure that is the way life goes. You keep moving, learning, and striving to be a better version of what you can be. You taught me that. 

John and I are still together. 31 years now. You know how hard some of those years have been but they have been that way for their own reasons. Thank you for all that you and mom have done to ease them. John will graduate in March with his Associates Degree in Music production and already has clients. He is happy. I am so proud of what he has accomplished. We renewed our vows. Thing 2 made all the arrangements. I think you would have enjoyed the ceremony and the food.

Thing 1, Thing 2, & Thing 3

On to the kids. Thing 1, Thing 2, & Thing 3. Because of their love of Dr. Seus. Especially the book “The Places You’ll Go” I am changing their names. I remember you reading that book to all three of them when they were young. Thank you for being there for them. Even when I told you not to give them sugar, and as soon as I walked out the door you were serving them ice cream.

Thing 1

Thing 1 married two years ago to a wonderful man from the Phillipians. He is incredibly smart and is working to give her the moon. He is the first man she ever dated that reminded me of you sneaking her peppermints for naptimes. He takes care of her Dad. He gets her. He does things for her just because. Reminds me of you and Mom. He makes a big deal of their anniversary. They don’t have it as rough as when John and I started out, but it is a tough time for them right now. Just know they are going to make it. It will be beautiful. Daddy, Thing 1 has her master’s degree, a certification, and has chosen to work with children with Autism. I know you would be really proud of her.

Thing 2

Don’t even know where to start with her. She took after me too much. Had to learn everything the hard way. She got her bachelor’s degree went to work for a global corporation and worked her way up by sheer smarts, work ethic, and determination. She was married in 2019 to an amazing man who I swear is you incarnated. I don’t think there is a challenge he can’t conquer. He is from Belgium. Speaks more languages than I can count, loves logistics, and loves Thing 2 more than I can describe here. His smarts, work ethic, and determination remind me of you and mom in Germany. I didn’t think there was a power couple that could outshine you two, but Thing 2 and hubby are making a run for it.

Thing 3

Dad you have your accountant. I know you wanted it to be me, but it skipped a generation. You did get one. He loves numbers, data, and making things balance. I don’t know where I went wrong (sigh). He still is find his solace in video games and long walks with Dini. He lived in with Thing 1 for awhile but is back with Mom. They help each other, and he is truly deciding what he wants to be when he grows up. I just hope he figures it out before his mom did at 43. There is a chance he will follow in your footsteps into the Air Force. I will keep you posted.

Big Brother

You would be so proud of him. He is now an instructor. He teaches what the Air Force taught him, and what he did for so many years. He is happy with what he is doing. He and I are speaking and working together again. Old hurts on both sides are slowly fading. I think you would have been proud of us for that. Mom is over the moon about it.

Mom

Saved the best for last. She misses you everyday. We speak of you often, play your favorite songs, and the songs you used to dance her around the living room. I try to be there for her to help her the way you used to, but you left some pretty big shoes to fill. Kids and I keep her busy, but we are no substitue for you. 

Wishes

If I could have any wishes it would have been for more time. I would have loved for you to see Thing 1, Thing 2, and Thing 3 at all of their graduations and weddings. I would have loved for you to see me walk across the stage to get my degree. I wish you were there to be with Mom to go to the Beach, eat ice cream, and fuss at each other.

My final wish is that one day I get to see you, verbally spar with you one more time, and to get a hug only a dad can give. I miss you Daddy. We are moving on, but we have never forgotten. This is the first letter of I don’t know how many, but know you are never far from my thoughts and you are always in my heart. Love you Daddy. Your Baby Girl