shariew

There is nothing that hurts more than losing a loved one.  Suddenly you have a whole in your being where this person once existed.  It doesn’t matter who the individual was, friend, neighbor, family, etc., if you cared for this person, shared a part of yourself with this person, once they die, you have now lost that portion you shared.  You will always have the memories, but memories don’t fill up the five senses.  You can’t touch a memory.  Memories can be triggered by the other senses, sight, smell, sound, and taste, but they are a distant second to actually being with the individual who once shared space with you.

I have a little too much experience lately with Grief and the slow healing process that comes from it.  in the last 18 months I have had 7 deaths of people I cared for some of whom I loved with what felt like all my heart.  Each death has affected me deeply and I am at a different stage of healing for each.  I am by no means an expert, but I want to share what I have discovered.  Maybe what I have learned will help someone else.

The closer you are to the individual the longer the pain lasts, the longer the grief lasts, and the longer the waves of numbness can roll over you and knock you down.  I lost two of my favorite people in the world back to back in the space of six weeks 18 months ago.  My mother-in-law and my father.  I still haven’t recovered.  I am okay with that.  I can smile and laugh and share stories of both.  I have more good days than bad, but I can hear a song, I can see a movie, and the pain will come back raw and fresh.  It is okay about that too.  I roll with the punches and know the pain will fade.  I think of it like riding waves on a small boogie board.  I will reach the shore.

Two of the deaths were individuals that I took care of at work.  They were wonderful individuals that brought a smile to the face of anyone who spoke to them.  I smile when I think of them.  I feel pain for their loved ones and I feel peace that they are no longer in pain.  The whole I have is small, but is there because the sun is not as bright when I think about the fact I can’t speak to them each day and tease them.  One of them volunteered for over 20 years with young children touching countless lives, and I hurt for those who will never know his kindness and encouragement.

Two deaths were an Aunt and Uncle who were more like grandparents to me than just an aunt ant uncle.  The Uncle would drive from Atlanta to Wilmington North Carolina once a month when I was in college, so he could see that I was all right and report to my parents overseas that I was doing okay.  He did this every month for 4 years like clock work.  There were other stories I could speak of his dedication to his family.  His love for gardening, and his soft-spoken ways of letting you know if you were on the right path.  My Aunt was kind, helped to raise my father, and believed family was everything.  I have peace for my aunt, but the whole for my uncle is almost as big as that for my father.

My final death is fresh.  I am still numb.  I haven’t cried yet.  I am not sure when I will.  My father-in-law and I did not have the best relationship because he and my husband did not.  8 months ago my husband became my father-in-law’s primary caregiver.  I supported my husband’s decision.  I even understood it.  It was a chance to get closure, and to help someone who desperately needed it.  It is something we as a couple do a lot.  Today my father-in-law died.  He died at peace knowing he was loved.  There is a whole, but I feel more pain for my husband than I do myself.  I am sure this is just the numbness.

Seven deaths, different stages, different reactions all real.  These people were important to me.  Some were more important than others, but all took a piece of me when they died.  I will not get that piece back.  I am okay with that.  The reason I am okay with that is because of the heart and the spirit’s amazing capacity to heal.  I will never be whole.  I don’t want to be.  That would mean these people weren’t important and they were.  What I can do is feel, remember,  understand the pain, and eventually let go.  I may not even realize I’ve let go.  I will always have the memories, pictures, songs, etc.  They may be a poor substitute for the real thing, but I will take what I can get.

Don’t let anyone rush you to feel anything, not feel anything, cry, scream, rant, etc. We are individuals.  We will feel things differently.  No one feels anything exactly the same way as someone else.  Don’t wallow, but don’t think you have a timeline you have to go by.  You will always have a hole if you cared, but while that hole won’t ever fill in, you can create new connections that will sustain you, build you up, and take you further than you dreamed.  These holes instead of weakening you foundation can make it stronger if you allow it.  let those memories fill the holes like concrete and rebar. You will be stronger and able to face the next challenge life throws your way.  Trust me.  After 7 deaths in 18 months, I think I could bench press a VW Bug.  Let life in after grief it heals and gets better. Enjoy the holes.  The lives that caused them were worth it.